Discussing the different Asian culture: Sex, love, relationships, cheating and women’s status and rights

It’s difficult to understand how people perceive complex issues like love, sex, relationships, cheating, and it’s sometimes impossible to do that with someone from a different culture. Culture differences get a whole lot more complicated when there’s emotions involved, and that’s when misunderstandings can become very offending and hurtful.

The "Israelis in Asia" Hebrew forum in Tapuz is usually about small tips and FAQ about life in Asia, but every once in a while there is a curious culture discussion that deals with an interesting issue. It’s all usually very stereotypical and judgmental, but behind the scenes there’s an interesting display of ultimate culture differences difficulties.

Since I haven’t translated anything for a while, I’ll quickly do these next 3 forum posts on an Israeli girl Eva, age 18-19, who fell in love with her married Thai co-worker. The whole description of things is absolutely surreal and naive, but the difficulties she’s facing in trying to figure out who he is, whether he’s acting out of his own cultural influences, and how that fits her own values set - is extraordinary. Although I wouldn’t say this girl and the people responding represent Israeli culture, I will say that they might represent groups within the Israeli society. Here’s the story (I’ll bold the highlights, which I don’t agree with, but tend to think are important for the discussion) :

The first simple query, with no indication of the background story that is described in the post following this one -

Eva : Lately, my mom and I started to argue over this issue…

She says that the social status of women in the Thai culture is of being "housewives" meaning the woman does everything for the husband, cleans, does the laundry, bla bla bla, and at the end he leaves her because everybody knows that Thai men cheat.

I, on the other hand, think that the women social status in Thailand is bad because of the large prostitution industry… and that a Thai girl who’s not a prostitute is treated equal to men. If you know anything, please give me some information.

The comments :

Passport - in the duel between your mother and you, there’s no doubt that your mother has the upper hand. In Thailand, the women are equal to men only in fairytales. [...] The average Thai woman is humble, dedicated, nurturing and loving. I would find it odd if you call her a "maid" or an "assistant", she doesn’t see it that way and wouldn’t know what you’re talking about. That’s how she was brought up by her mother, grandmother, and the environment. For example - the Thai woman will not start eating before her partner. When walking across a man, she’ll bend a little as a sign of tribute. Only when the partner cheats, does she become a raging bull and it’s best to hide till things go back to normal.

Maor - BTW, a successful woman in China is not common, yet still existent, but they know that finding a husband will be difficult to impossible… and they have to live with that. Some hid the fact that they have money just so that their date won’t leave them… (he’ll find out eventually and leave after that, but there are needs to satisfy ) For real.

David - It’s all true, but… in a lot of household the husband gives the whole salary to the lady of the house and she decides how much he should spend (more common in Japan). The women does all those things, but she has an opinion on everything. I talk to men who work for me and they sometimes complain that their wives give them a hard time all day and don’t let them out to drink with the guys.

Moti - My girl never walked before me, when we left the elevator I was always the first to walk out, same with crossing the street.

But the real story starts here, as Eva felt a bit more confident to share her story with a new forum post :

Eva : You M-U-S-T help me!!! Yaaaooo! I’m still in shock while I’m typing thissss There are so many thoughts running through my head that I have no clue where to beginnnnn

 So here goes, remember the Thai guy I told you I had a crush on?

Anyways, after all the hesitations and the bla bla bla I went over to his place yesterday and we spent the whole day together, seeing movies, eating, and… having sex, and I really don’t know what’s up with us and whether we’re together or not.

To make things short, I have a friend from work, who’s - quite obviously - has a huge crush on this guy… yesterday, he told me that he had sex with her too (I don’t think too high of myself, but I’m a hundred times better looking than she is) and that I’m a lot more sexy than her (she’s like a fatty and her face is so so).

So I go back home, light and happy over my wonderful day… and today at 6am I get a message from the friend - "call me, I really have to talk to you, urgent".

I called her, and she started to tell me that she’s been with this Thai guy for over 8 months and last night he broke up with her!!!! he said it’s because of me, that I’m very sexy and that we had sex!!! she really started crying, saying that she still loves him and that they were in love. She asked me whether I was at his place the day before and if anything happened.

 So I (I don’t know if it was clever or stupid) told her I was at his place, that we did nothing, and that I left after half an hour…

It upsets me that he told her that we had sex, like, where’s your tact, man?

And I don’t feel so good about myself for lying and not telling her the truth… like, understand me, on one side I’m not sure I want people to know yet, and on the other hand - come’on, why do I give a fuck? I want him and he wants me then why lie?

But she was trying to play with my consciousness, saying that they’ve been together for 6 months and that she misses him. You see? it’s as if I as a friend should move aside and let them fulfill their love (as if it’s really a big love).

Israeli forum member selected (sympathetic) replies :

David - whaooo… it seems that Thai folks in Israel are having a better time than Israelis in Thailand… Eva, I would recommend not to expect tact or good judgement from a Thai worker in Israel, certainly not when it comes to sex or "love". As you’re a girl in Israel and not familiar with the Thai culture it will be very easy to make mistakes and attribute norms that might seem natural to you. They’re different than we are. They think different, act different, talk different. Their logic works different.  After such a long time in Thailand , I’m still amazed by the vast cultural differences. [...]

Ludwig - As someone who has Thai family I don’t think the mentality differences are the main point here (Thai people are also very different from each other), but in this case I’m asking myself why to get into troubles, when the details are so obvious…

And then, the final discussion, taking it all to an even more extreme :

Eva : I miss him so much … =/

I wrote here a while ago, I was in a relationship with somebody Asian, and now he left to visit his family (including his wife) in Thailand for two weeks. I asked him if his wife knows he’s cheating on her here in Israel and he said that she does but it’s customary in Thailand and that women don’t get upset over this and it has become part of the routine. But, if a woman cheats on her husband, then oh dear, that mean divorce!

Is he telling me the truth? is cheating customary for men but not for women? he even has a kid and he hasn’t seen her once since she was born a few years ago… I don’t get it. Whaao… I really want to understand this culture for once and for all. [...]

(Following David’s call for details) My friend was fired because she was depressed and couldn’t keep working with him in the same place… we both talked and arrived at the conclusion that we should forget about him, but I don’t know what to do - I really love him. Yooo… if I could only show you how cute he is, you would understand.

(Following the question whether she cares he’s "cheating on you with his wife") I knew what this relationship would be from the beginning. I knew he has a wife in far Thailand… but that didn’t bother me because I live in a bubble here in Israel and didn’t see or hear from her. So, now, I can’t just quit the relationship all of a sudden and now tell him that I don’t like it, cause I knew he was married. I would prefer he was single, but I don’t think about marrying him anyways… although now that I think he’s with his wife it hurts a little (a lot a little)

Responses :

Carlron - Statistics show that 25% of the Thai men have a Mia Noi (a little ms. on the side). According to those numbers, it’s more or less anybody who can afford it. An Israeli Mia Noi like you is even better, because he doesn’t have to support her, maybe even the other way around.

Moti - I’ve been working with Thai men for a long time in Israel. They all send their money to their mother, and not the wife. There’s one case of a guy who’s wife enjoyed the money he sent her and she cheated on him with another guy while he was working him self to death here. The guy tried to commit suicide but with a lot of help came back to a functioning status. [...] There’s a Thai saying that when a Thai leaves his home to work in a foreign country he loses his land, and when he comes back to Thailand he loses his wife.

Baozi - Since everybody replying so far are men, I thought I’d give you a female perspective. I don’t know the Thai culture, but I do know something about men, and I hate to burst your bubble, but men are men are men! It could be Thai, Chinese, or Kazakhstan, the guy’s a player and you’re young. Take those two weeks to think what kind of men juggles between two best friends, a wife and a kid.

 -

Any thoughts, ideas, experiences on this topic are welcomed.

 
tags: Asia, Asia-Israel connections