Fili’s world

There’s been a decline in things that I’m willing to discuss in this blog and I’m not really sure why that is. I’m more careful and reserved, I think more about the way I put things, and I don’t think that’s a good thing.

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Yesterday was another one of those days in which I couldn’t make out what was going on with me.
I come back from the university at mid-day, don’t too much for a few hours, then feel as though I’m dead tired and fall into half-awake half-sleep state, later on I get up and zipzap through some channels, not being able to find anything that’s remotely interesting to me.

I don’t connect to my friends (who might be reading this) as strongly as I did a year+ ago, for so many reasons, and most of the time I don’t feel like meeting new ones. I refuse, not even politely anymore, the endless offers and suggestions of going out on dates. I don’t feel like partying or going out for drinks. Sometimes, quite often recently, I don’t want to see anybody, I don’t really want to talk to anybody.

It has already become a pattern with nights like yesterday’s, in that my mind would usually go wild with lots of very unclear issues colliding within my head into a point of which I would feel very confused and very tired. Thoughts about love, friends, studies, work, travel, passion, meaning. Thoughts I can’t and don’t really want to control. They keep banging each other for an undefined period of time, of which it would seem like I’m watching something, but I’m actually recalling memories and fantasizing in a kind of a lucid dream. Sometimes, something related to what’s currently going on in my head appears on TV and then I wake up for a few seconds to see what’s going on and then slowly decline back to the same situation with even more thoughts.

There are a few things, that those reading this blog know about, which I’m passionate about, even very passionate about. The little that I am interested in about in people, movies and life, has to do mainly with where I was two months ago.
So, being very aware of that - some nights, I try to be very practical, and I sit down on the Internet endlessly looking for directions and possibilities that would comfort my soul that way, but the more time I spend doing that the more I realize it’s useless. It doesn’t stop me from keeping at it, which soon gets me into a mood. I then become very tired yet I don’t want to sleep. A zombie.

Everytime I talk about this or write about this, I sound to myself like a boring ever-complaining cliche. Recently, I even make the inexcusable mistake of putting on an “OK” face to avoid discussing this with people anymore.
“So, you’ve settled back in Israel, eh? you’re working, you’re studying. Good, good… you’re back on track” - I hear people saying and I nod with a “Yeah, all is great over here. Israel… life, work, absolutely wonderful” face, but inside… inside…

Time? don’t think so, don’t want so. Time isn’t a valid solution for me anymore. I don’t know what is.