Fili’s world

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(I’ve been trying to post this one for three times now, but the Internet and HoiAn-electricity gods don’t seem to like me this past week. More than an hour of journal writing gone. Damn. Will I be patient enough to re-write and expand? Arrrghh… Brace yourself - Hopefully, this will be a long one. )

It’s mad at me, I can feel it. It hasn’t been getting the attention it was used to, and I can just imagine its voices whispering at night, while I sleep, calling for some of our usual time together. But it seems like it might have to wait for a while, since I’m on to a whole new different experience. “Lonely Planet, I’m sorry, but I just don’t need your help for a while. I’m going to take it from here”.

No doubt, a change. The small things you notice when you get to know a place. The big things you experience and feel when you get to know the people. There’s not as much “what’s next?” and “how much time do I have left?”, leaving behind “I’ve seen everything!” and “there’s nothing more to see…”. It’s the small unnoticed transformation from yet another location on the backpacker’s guide to a place you care about. I now know that I would have trouble leaving this place and parting from the people. I have moments when I’m bored as hell. Another day, another morning, another routine, that’s when I usually give up, pack everything fast and run away to the next destination. It happened so many times this trip, like the thing at Hanoi and the repeating sensation at Hue. Difference was, I guess, that I knew no one over there so it was very easy for me to just wrap things up. No good-byes needed, no long farewells or explanations. But when you have something to keep you in a place, it takes more than a momentary thought and that’s when you pull yourself together, take a deep breath and think things twice. I’m quite sure it’s that way in most places, but I know it’s especially true for HoiAn – there’s always something more to explore and see. Bored gets a whole new definition that’s got less to do with what’s around you and more about what goes on inside you.

Thuan Tinh. After I’ve shown this name to a couple of people the reaction was the same – a few giggles, a question as to who I went with and then a show of admiration to the fact that I was taken to this Vietnamese-secret-anti-lonely-planet lovers’ place as a western. I actually had no idea where I was taken to, thinking that we’re headed to the beach, but Tam and Han had a surprise for me. We toke a motorbike to the countryside (where I almost smashed Tam’s bikes to small pieces), then waited for the boat ride to take us to this Vietnamese hidden-away-haven. We sat there together and chitchatted most of the day while it was monsoon-raining outside after weeks of a massive heat wave. I got to understand many things I’ve been wondering about for long.

I could never figure out why everytime I would ask a female friend out to eat, she would always bring her friend – that usually being someone that I don’t know. It took some time but finally I was able to gather from Tam that when a boy and a girl go do something together alone then society treats them as boyfriend and girlfriend (AKA - ‘lovers’). The whole way Vietnamese experience relationships between males and females is full of mystery, sometimes being very naïve but at times being very direct and straightforward. So it seemed like everytime I asked a girl out I put her in a serious dilemma between not wanting to offend me (and maybe liking my company) to the social price that she would have to pay for doing so. But it gets weirder, and there are some rules I don’t understand. Right now, the whole hotel has related to Tam and me as being together although everytime I go out with Tam there’s always somebody coming with us while there was one evening I, unaware of meaning, took Minh out for dinner and ice-cream. It really embarrasses me since the staff gives Tam a really hard time about the whole thing and laughs at me (or with me, I’m never sure). Just wanting to enjoy a female company is super complicated and the reactions are naïve teenager high-school giggles (”Tam has a boyfriend… fiLi has a girlfriend…” songs). So, now that I’m aware of the situation, and how society may regard such relationships, the dilemma has shifted from the girls to myself. I try to be very sensitive and understanding, making sure I don’t put anyone on the spot. When I go out with a girl, I ask if she would rather bring someone along, and I keep repeating that I’m not looking for a girlfriend, explaining that the differences between Vietnamese naïve traditions and the costumes of Western relationships are a gap too big to overcome. There are just too many issues.
Naturally, most of the Vietnamese never go beyond kissing and warm cuddling before marriage, not been able to speak - or even relate - to the subject of sex. No signs of affection are allowed in public, since society will soon judge the girl as being easy. Relationships between westerns and Vietnamese are even more complicated and I admit I judge westerns I see with Vietnamese as potentially exploiting, since - like in sexual harassment laws - one side seems to have the power (money) and the other doesn’t. Not only romantically, but also in friendship - it doesn’t matter how deeply you might sense love or friendship, you sometimes wonder if they are with you because of what you have or because of who you are.

I’ve made some attempts to explain the differences between Vietnam and western thinking, always without luck. For example, I tried explaining to the hotel girls that the fact they fuddle my arms and face all the time is considered flirting, but they fail to understand how being fascinated with my bright facial and arm hair and how checking whether my body temperature is above or below normal could be considered as anything but casual. The only way I know this is really so, and believe me when I say it takes some self-convincing and strong self-control, is that sometimes males do it too.

Taking those issues one step further - while I was visiting a male friend’s house I was able to gather that they also have a very different sleeping arrangement. Confirming this fact with other friends I now know that in some Vietnamese households the husband sleeps with the sons and wife sleeps with the daughters in separate rooms. Wondering why the husband and wife don’t sleep in the same room/bed and trying to figure out how the children actually happen remains a mystery since everytime I bring the subject up, to either males or females at all ages, I usually get big laughs, red faces and a small “Western… very different…” in response. Ignoring what this does to the marital relationship, it seem to do wonders to the relationship between children and parents. Vietnamese are very close to their families, doing everything together, and usually in a very crowded fashion. Imagine riding one small bike with 2-4 other family members for half an hour, sharing an extremely small bed together (while exchanging body heat :P) with your father and brothers and eating together out of shared dishes every single day. Coming from a somewhat Israeli-Austrian upbringing I find that truly amazing. It reminds me of Asimov’s Robot-series book called “Naked-Sun” about the differences between Earthmen and Spacers.

Anh and her sister are my recent new pals. They run some cloth-shop next to my Internet place and have helped me discuss the option of finding a job here. Sister, who’s name I still don’t know, has divorced 15 years ago. From the little I understand it seems that society in Vietnam judges a woman that gets divorced, but - in a very strange way - also gives her more freedom. I think a divorcee+1 doesn’t have to worry about the social pressure of getting married again, doesn’t need to fight her biological clock for having kids, and is allowed to persue what ever carreer or hobby she likes. So, Sister might be considered un-social in her actions, but as far as I’ve seen she’s exceptionally open minded and independent.

Here’s one clever marketing technique. They’ve expanded the HoiAn inner-roads tactic to the main road between HoiAn and Danang. Incredible. After I hit the highway to Danang with my new rented motorbike, trying to maintain the impossible speed limit of 30 (yeah, Kilometers per hour! sometimes dropping to 25!), the first girl approached. Riding her bike along side with me she began with the usual greetings and questions only to follow with “Would you like to come and see my family’s marble shop next to Marble mountain?”. So, they ride the main road between HoiAn and Danang, picking up tourists 20km before their shops (almost a 1 hour drive!). Now, I’ve been wanting to see Marble Mountain and China Beach for a while, but some weird happenings I don’t quite understand with my hotel friends has made me give that up for a while. I’ve had time to think about visiting the place as the second and third girls approached with the same tactic. So, I finally followed the third girl to her family marble shop, left my bike over there and headed to climb the stairs up to Marble Mountain. Visiting the big mountain caves with the huge carved marbled Buddha statues was absolutely magical. “That way to Heaven” the locals kept pointing directions, and as you get to the top you realize that they were right - it’s a gorgeous heavenly 30km stretch view of China Beach and the Quang Nam province. Meeting up with German Tim, we shopped for some marble souvenirs to bring back to our Hoi An friends and went for a small eat & swim at the main beach. A day that started out with being totally bored has developed to a fairytale journey. I feel very fortunate.

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